Happy 4th of July to all
I woke yesterday ready to start my day, or at least I thought I would be ready and yet I awoke in pain and could not start my day the way I had anticipated. It reminded me again of all I have to be thankful for.
Today, on the 4th of July, I am thankful that I am alive and living in a place where I can get out of my bed and leave my house without fear of being accosted by anyone, at least most of the time. Of course there is always a small risk, but he risk is very small where I live, compared to many others.
I am thankful that I have access to medications which can help me, doctors–hat although I may consider them to be idiots much of the time–are likely much better than what many of the people in other countries have access to. Even some in the country where I live cannot see a doctor because they cannot afford insurance and do not live in a state where there is expanded Medicaid and therefore cannot get insurance if they do not qualify or meet certain criteria.
I am thankful to be alive today, because I know how close I came to not being alive just in the past few years; and I know that in the next several years I may again come close to not being alive but I have access to Doctors, hospitals and medication that will likely help me to avoid that outcome. I know this because I received that news yesterday I am still processing this information now and until I do process it, I will be unable to sleep.
I am not the type to wallow in self-pity or cry and whine about things. This is not a death sentence, but there is a long story behind this and in time I will make sure to tell all of you the story. I am not contagious and this has nothing to do with my lifestyle or past history choices. But I must first inform all of my family and this will happen soon, after that I can go into more details and then maybe even some of you will be able to help me through this one. I am in what you would call shell shock I suppose. It is really surreal to have a diagnosis like this. It was surreal to me to get a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder which I received just 6 months ago roughly. Not like the family or others didn’t know that I wasn’t a bit “off” or “odd” or “strange” or as some others called me “batshit” or “nuts” or my least favorite word “crazy”. I honestly think “batshit” was the funniest one of all, that one cracked me up. I always considered myself to be a rather intelligent ditz. I could always come across as rather ditzy but I seemed to be able to keep up intelligence wise anyway. My IQ was not lacking at least it wasn’t back in the day. a few years ago it took a bit of a hit and my cognitive ability suffered. So I am in slow motion now, which is really okay by me.
So another thing I am thankful for is the ability to realize that regardless of diagnosis, I am still me and no diagnosis defines me, I define who I am. I do not react, I act. The things I live by are these:
- Honesty is import always, So be honest with yourself and others at all times. It has cost me a few jobs, sorry to say. So try to be tactful when you do it. I am rather blunt.
- Act and don’t react. Always take time to think before you speak and think before you do, that way when someone does something or when you read something or hear something you are acting on it, rather than reacting to it. This will create a much better result in the end, at least from my experience.
- Forgive when it feels right to forgive – It is okay to forgive someone who you hold near and dear to your heart. Humans make mistakes at times and because they are dear to you, you should forgive them. It is when they continue to make the exact same mistake over and over again repeatedly without care for your suffering that they are not someone who should be in your close family/friends circle. It may be time to look and see if that relationship is toxic to you, love should not hurt you repeatedly over and over and over again. When you forgive someone, you let hate out of your heart, but that does not mean that you forgot what they did, it also does not mean you harbor that memory in your heart. It is a fine line there to walk. Understanding that line takes balance, and that balance is where you will find yourself the right perspective. When it feels wrong it is wrong, always trust your instincts.
- Believe in yourself – Don’t ever let anyone convince you that you cannot believe in yourself or in your instincts. For many years I was told that I could not trust my mind, that I should not listen to myself because I was “crazy”. They were not correct. My Doctors now and for the past few years have been affirming that I am indeed not crazy and that I need to listen to my instincts and trust my own judgement and my mind, that they are sound and I am smart. I do believe I like these Doctors a lot more than the other ones.
So on this July 4th, as I get ready to celebrate with my children and most of my grandchildren I am thankful for the opportunity to share those things that I live my life by with all of you. I hope that some of those things help some of you. Being Autistic means that I live by a set of rules, they are excessively important to me, my oldest son, although not diagnosed is Autistic also and his son is diagnosed and is Autistic. My oldest son, his first goal on his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) in school was to learn Empathy. His only empathy was for cats. My daughter and my youngest son both have Bi-Polar type 1, although my youngest son was originally diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder at the age of 15 and his first goal with his IEP in school was at the age of 4, it was to be able to make eye contact. He has not been evaluated as of yet for Autism. All of my children and I have ADHD. It is a hoot when we all get together. It will be a great July 4th, I hope all of you will have a terrific one as well. Be safe and Happy.